Longing for a Child? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote to a Couple Without Children
When every month brings the same news
Another month. Another hope, quietly held, and then quietly let go. Maybe you've been trying for a year. Maybe for many years, with tests, treatments and appointments that have taken over your life.
Friends announce pregnancies. Relatives ask, sometimes kindly, sometimes not: "Any good news yet?" You smile and change the subject. Then you go home and grieve something no one else can see.
The longing can strain a marriage, too: the pressure, the disappointment each month, the feeling that you're letting each other down.
If this is your story, the Daishonin wrote some very gentle words to a couple who never had children, and some confident words about wishes being fulfilled.
What does the Gosho say about longing for a child?
Nichiren Daishonin wrote to a couple who had "no children and live alone as husband and wife," telling them that the Buddha "must be a compassionate father to both of you," and that he himself "must be your child" (WND-1, 491). Your worth and your family are not defined by whether you have children. He also affirmed the sutra's promise that it "can fulfill their desires, as a clear cool pond can satisfy all those who are thirsty" (WND-1, 412).
"I, Nichiren, must be your child"
The lay priest of Ko and his wife lived on Sado Island. They had no children. When the Daishonin wrote to them, he did not pity them. He embraced them:
> "However, you have no children and live alone as husband and wife. The sutra states, 'The living beings in it [the threefold world] are all my children.' If this is so, then Shakyamuni Buddha, the lord of teachings, must be a compassionate father to both of you. I, Nichiren, must be your child." > — Reply to the Lay Priest of Ko, WND-1, 491
He even invited them to come and live with him in their old age.
These words don't make the longing disappear. But they say something important: a couple without children is not incomplete. Their love, their life together and their bonds with others are fully worthy. Family is wider than we often imagine.
Whatever happens on your journey, you are already a family.
A clear cool pond for those who are thirsty
When Shijo Kingo and his wife were praying for their baby daughter's recovery from illness, the Daishonin reminded them of the sutra's promise:
> "There can be no doubt about the sutra passages that say, 'This sutra can fulfill their desires, as a clear cool pond can satisfy all those who are thirsty,' and 'They will enjoy peace and security in their present existence and good circumstances in future existences.'" > — Reply to Kyo'o, WND-1, 412
Your longing for a child is a deep thirst. The Daishonin did not tell people to suppress their wishes. He encouraged them to bring them to their practice with confidence.
It's important to hold both truths together: chant with real hope, and know that your life and your marriage are full and precious in every outcome.
One small step for tonight
Talk with your spouse, not about tests or plans, but about how each of you is feeling. Longing can be lonely even when you share it.
Chant together, if you can, for a child, and for your marriage to stay warm and strong through the waiting.
Seek good medical advice from a qualified specialist, and consider emotional support too: a counsellor or a support group for people trying to conceive. If the waiting is affecting your mental health, please reach out for help.
If you have experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, please be gentle with yourself. Our Grief & Loss guidance will speak to that more fully.
Your story could help someone else
We don't yet have a member experience that focuses on longing for a child. If you and your partner have walked this road, whether you welcomed a child, built a family in another way, or found peace and joy as a couple, consider sharing your experience. Someone reading this page tonight may need it.
Related experiences about hope and family are below.
Frequently asked questions
Can I chant for a baby?
Yes. The Daishonin affirmed the sutra's promise that it "can fulfill their desires, as a clear cool pond can satisfy all those who are thirsty" (WND-1, 412). Chant with hope, and also seek good medical care.
Does not having a child mean something is wrong with my faith or karma?
No. The Daishonin embraced a couple without children with deep warmth, telling them that the Buddha was "a compassionate father to both of you" (WND-1, 491). Your worth isn't measured by whether you have children.
How do I cope with family pressure about having children?
Keep a gentle, brief answer ready, and agree with your spouse on how much you want to share. Your spouse may also be able to help set boundaries with their family.
What should I chant for while we're trying for a child?
Chant for a healthy child, for wisdom in medical decisions, for your marriage to stay close through the waiting, and for peace in your heart whatever the timing.
Which Gosho should I read while longing for a child?
Reply to the Lay Priest of Ko (WND-1, 491–492) and Reply to Kyo'o (WND-1, 412–413).
Sources
All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):
- Reply to the Lay Priest of Ko, p. 491 - Reply to Kyo'o, p. 412