Unfaithful, or Tempted to Be? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About Changing Course

When you are the one who strayed

Maybe it started as a friendship that slowly became something more. Maybe it was one night you can't take back. Maybe nothing has happened yet, but you feel yourself being pulled toward someone, and part of you doesn't want to stop.

Now there's guilt that sits in your chest. Lying awake beside your spouse. Wondering whether to confess, how to end it, whether you even want to. Wondering what kind of person this makes you.

If you've found your way to this page, something in you wants to change course. That matters. This article won't lecture you. The Daishonin's writings are full of people who took wrong turns, and of what happened when they turned around.

What does the Gosho say about someone who has done wrong?

Nichiren Daishonin taught that "even those people who commit the five cardinal sins, the ten evil acts, or innumerable other wrongdoings may attain the way" (WND-1, 77). No one is beyond change. He also wrote that even people others thought hopeless were transformed "by encountering a great person," and that "the best way to attain Buddhahood is to encounter a good friend" (WND-1, 598). Change rarely happens alone.

No one is beyond turning around

In a letter to Nanjo Hyoe Shichiro, the father of Nanjo Tokimitsu, who was seriously ill at the time, the Daishonin wrote:

> "Even those people who commit the five cardinal sins, the ten evil acts, or innumerable other wrongdoings may attain the way if only their faculties are keen. Devadatta and Angulimala represent such people." > — Encouragement to a Sick Person, WND-1, 77

The five cardinal sins and the ten evil acts were the gravest wrongs in Buddhist teaching. Angulimala, in the traditional story, was a man who had caused enormous harm before he met the Buddha.

The Daishonin's point is not that wrongdoing doesn't matter. It clearly does. It hurts real people, and the person you love most may be one of them. His point is that a mistake, even a serious one, does not have to define the rest of your life. What you do next matters more than what you have already done.

You can't do it alone: find a good friend

In another letter, the Daishonin wrote:

> "Even wicked people such as King Ajatashatru or Angulimala, who one would expect could never reach enlightenment but would invariably fall into the Avichi hell, by encountering a great person, the Buddha Shakyamuni, were able to attain Buddhahood. Therefore, the best way to attain Buddhahood is to encounter a good friend." > — Three Tripitaka Masters Pray for Rain, WND-1, 598

When we are caught in something we know is wrong, we tend to hide it, and secrecy makes it stronger. The Daishonin's advice is to reach toward a "good friend": someone wise, trustworthy and honest who will help you see clearly, not just tell you what you want to hear.

That might be a counsellor, a trusted senior in faith or a wise friend. Whoever it is, letting one good person into the situation is often the first real step out of it.

One small step for tonight

If you're tempted but haven't acted, put distance between yourself and the situation today: less contact, no private conversations, no "just checking in."

If you have been unfaithful, write down honestly what you want your life and your marriage to look like a year from now. Then write one step that moves toward it.

When you chant, chant for the courage to be honest, for your spouse's happiness, and for the wisdom to repair what can be repaired. Then reach out to one "good friend" this week.

Whether, when and how to tell your spouse is a serious decision. A counsellor can help you think it through in a way that is honest and caring toward everyone involved.

Your story could help someone else

We don't yet have a member experience about turning around after being unfaithful, or after nearly being so. If you have walked this road and rebuilt your life with integrity, consider sharing your experience, anonymously if you prefer. Someone reading this page tonight may need to know that change is possible.

Related experiences about personal change are below.

Frequently asked questions

I cheated on my spouse. Can I ever be a good person again?

Yes. The Daishonin taught that even people who committed the gravest wrongs "may attain the way" (WND-1, 77). What you did matters, but so does what you do next: honesty, responsibility and real change.

Should I tell my spouse I was unfaithful?

There's no single right answer, and it's a decision with serious consequences for everyone. Talk it through with a counsellor or a trusted, wise person first. Make the decision from sincerity, not just from wanting to relieve your guilt.

I'm attracted to someone else, but nothing has happened. What should I do?

Take it seriously and act early: reduce contact and avoid situations that deepen the attraction. Then look honestly at what's missing in your marriage, and work on that directly.

What should I chant for if I've been unfaithful?

Chant for the courage to be honest, for your spouse's happiness, for the wisdom to repair the harm, and to understand and transform what led you here.

Which Gosho should I read if I want to change course?

Encouragement to a Sick Person (WND-1, 76–84) and Three Tripitaka Masters Pray for Rain (WND-1, 598–604).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- Encouragement to a Sick Person, p. 77 - Three Tripitaka Masters Pray for Rain, p. 598