Proposals Keep Falling Through? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About a Gem Not Yet Recognised

Title: Proposals Keep Falling Through? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About a Gem Not Yet Recognised

The silence after a meeting that went well

The families met. The conversation flowed. You even thought, maybe this is it. Then, a few days later, the message comes: "They feel it's not a match." Or worse, no message at all.

The next profile. The next meeting. The next silence.

After enough of these, it stops feeling like the process isn't working and starts feeling like you aren't good enough. Height, complexion, salary, age, family background: every rejection seems to point at something you can't change.

If you are in that cycle right now, the Daishonin has something to say about being overlooked, and about not stopping.

What does the Gosho say about repeated rejection?

Nichiren Daishonin compared perseverance to carp trying to climb the Dragon Gate waterfall, where many fail and only those that keep going become dragons (WND-1, 1002). He also spoke of a precious gem, offered to kings who failed to see its worth (WND-1, 64). Rejection reveals more about who isn't seeing clearly than about your value.

The gem the kings didn't recognise

In a letter written soon after returning from his first exile, the Daishonin used an old Chinese story to describe how even something priceless can go unrecognised:

> "How sad to think that this rough gem, such as was presented by Pien Ho to the kings Wen and Wu, should find no place of acceptance!" > — Questions and Answers about Embracing the Lotus Sutra, WND-1, 64

In the story, a man named Pien Ho found an uncut jewel and presented it to his king. The king's experts declared it an ordinary stone, and Pien Ho was cruelly punished. Years later he offered it to the next king, with the same result. Only when a later king finally had the stone polished was it recognised as one of the most precious gems in the land (story summarised from the notes to this letter).

The stone never changed. Only the eyes looking at it did.

When a proposal falls through, it may simply mean the person on the other side wasn't the one who could see your worth. That is painful. But it is not a verdict on what you are.

Climbing the Dragon Gate

To Nanjo Tokimitsu, then a young man of about twenty, the Daishonin wrote:

> "A waterfall called the Dragon Gate exists in China. Its waters plunge a hundred feet, swifter than an arrow shot by a strong warrior. It is said that a great many carp gather in the basin below, hoping to climb the falls, and that any that succeeds will turn into a dragon." > — The Dragon Gate, WND-1, 1002

He goes on to say that hardly a single carp in ten thousand makes it, even after ten or twenty years of trying. Most are swept back by the current, again and again.

The Daishonin was writing about the difficulty of attaining Buddhahood, not marriage. But the spirit is the same. What carries a carp up the falls is not one perfect leap. It is refusing to stay in the basin.

One small step for tonight

Write down one thing the last meeting taught you about what you truly want, or don't want, in a partner.

Then chant for the right match, not just any match. Pray for someone who can see you clearly, and for the strength not to let any single "no" shrink your sense of who you are.

Twenty proposals, then the right one

Riya struggled with self-doubt as a student before she found her mission in public health. As a young women's division leader, she chanted nearly three hours a day for the members she supported and sometimes made sixty home visits in a month, all while completing a PhD. During those years she faced uncertainty about work, academic pressure and twenty failed marriage proposals. She kept advancing. Eventually she met the person she felt was truly her partner in life and in faith, and they married in 2020. Her career flourished too, with a completed PhD and work contributing to India's national public health guidelines.

Frequently asked questions

Why do my marriage proposals keep getting rejected?

There are many reasons a match doesn't proceed, and most say more about fit than about worth. The Daishonin described a precious gem rejected by two kings before its value was recognised (WND-1, 64). Keep going.

How do I stop taking rejections personally?

Remind yourself that a "no" from one family is information about fit, not a ruling on your value. Chant to strengthen your sense of self so that it doesn't depend on any single outcome.

Should I compromise on what I'm looking for?

Be honest with yourself about what truly matters and what is only preference. Chant for clarity. Flexibility on details is healthy; giving up on what is essential to your happiness is not.

What should I chant for when proposals keep failing?

Chant for the right partner rather than any partner, for wisdom in each meeting, and for the resilience to keep going like the carp at the Dragon Gate (WND-1, 1002).

Which Gosho should I read when proposals keep falling through?

The Dragon Gate (WND-1, 1002–1004) and Questions and Answers about Embracing the Lotus Sutra (WND-1, 55–67).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- Questions and Answers about Embracing the Lotus Sutra, p. 64 (the Pien Ho story is summarised from note 42 of this letter) - The Dragon Gate, p. 1002