Loving Someone You Shouldn't? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About Your True Worth

When you know, and still can't let go

Maybe they're married. Maybe they keep promising to leave their partner "soon." Maybe they only call late at night, and you've never met their friends. Maybe they hurt you, again and again, and you keep going back.

Part of you knows this isn't right for you. Friends may have said so. You may have said it to yourself a hundred times. And still, when they reach out, everything else disappears.

You might feel ashamed even reading this. Please don't. This article isn't here to judge you. You are dealing with one of the most painful kinds of love there is: the kind that keeps you waiting, hiding, or hurting. The Daishonin's words speak not to what you've done, but to who you are.

What does the Gosho say about loving someone who isn't right for you?

Nichiren Daishonin taught that "if you think the Law is outside yourself, you are embracing not the Mystic Law but an inferior teaching" (WND-1, 3): lasting happiness can never depend on another person. He also wrote to Shijo Kingo's wife that the sutra calls anyone who upholds it "foremost among all living beings" (WND-1, 463). You deserve a love you never have to hide or beg for.

Happiness is not outside you

In one of his very first letters, the Daishonin wrote:

> "Nevertheless, even though you chant and believe in Myoho-renge-kyo, if you think the Law is outside yourself, you are embracing not the Mystic Law but an inferior teaching." > — On Attaining Buddhahood in This Lifetime, WND-1, 3

He was speaking about how to practise Buddhism. But the principle reaches into every part of life. When a relationship becomes the only source of your joy, your worth and your sense of being alive, you have placed your happiness outside yourself, in someone who cannot or will not fully give it.

Chanting is a way of bringing it back. Not by forcing yourself to stop caring, but by slowly rebuilding a happiness inside you that no one else controls. As that grows, the pull of a relationship that diminishes you naturally weakens.

Foremost among all living beings

To Nichigen-nyo, the wife of Shijo Kingo, the Daishonin quoted the Lotus Sutra:

> "A person who can accept and uphold this sutra is likewise foremost among all living beings." > — The Unity of Husband and Wife, WND-1, 463

He called this passage "the heart of the entire sutra."

Foremost among all living beings. Not a secret. Not a second choice. Not someone who waits by the phone.

If the person you love keeps you hidden, makes promises they don't keep, or treats you in ways that hurt, the Daishonin's words are a mirror to hold up against that. Is this how one treats someone who is foremost among all living beings? You don't have to answer tonight. But keep asking.

One small step for tonight

Write down, honestly, how you feel in this relationship most of the time, not at its best moments. Then write how you want to feel in a relationship.

Chant not to make them change, and not to force yourself to stop loving them, but for the wisdom and courage to choose what is truly good for your life. Then tell one trusted person what you are going through. Secrets grow heavier in the dark.

If the person hurts you physically, threatens you, controls your money or movements, or makes you afraid, please treat it as serious. Contact a domestic violence helpline, the police or a support organisation. Your safety matters more than any relationship.

Your story could help someone else

We don't yet have a member experience that speaks directly to this struggle. If you have walked this road and found your way to a happier life, consider sharing your experience. Someone reading this page tonight may need to know that it can be done.

Related experiences about self-worth and letting go are below.

Frequently asked questions

I'm in love with a married person. What should I do?

Be honest with yourself about what the relationship is giving you and what it is costing you. The Daishonin taught that happiness is never "outside yourself" (WND-1, 3). Chant for the wisdom to choose what truly protects your life and your future.

How do I let go of someone I know isn't right for me?

Letting go usually happens gradually, not in a single decision. Rebuild a life and a happiness that don't depend on them, lean on people you trust, and limit contact when you are ready. Each step makes the next one easier.

Is it wrong to still love them?

Feelings aren't wrong; they are human. What matters is what you choose to do. You can acknowledge the love and still decide that the relationship is not good for you.

What should I chant for in this situation?

Chant for clarity, self-respect and courage, and for the happiness of everyone involved, including yourself. Remember that the sutra calls you "foremost among all living beings" (WND-1, 463).

Which Gosho should I read when I can't let go?

On Attaining Buddhahood in This Lifetime (WND-1, 3–5) and The Unity of Husband and Wife (WND-1, 463–465).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- On Attaining Buddhahood in This Lifetime, p. 3 - The Unity of Husband and Wife, p. 463