Lost Your Mother or Father? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote to a Daughter Grieving Her Father

# Lost Your Mother or Father? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote to a Daughter Grieving Her Father

When the person who was always there is gone

You reach for the phone to tell them something, and then remember. Their handwriting on an old note, their chair at the table, their voice in a saved message: everything becomes precious and unbearable at the same time.

However old you are, losing a parent can make you feel like a child again. There may be regret for things unsaid, gratitude for everything given, guilt for the times you were impatient, or exhaustion after months of caring for them. All of it is part of grief.

If your mother or father has died, the Daishonin wrote to grieving sons and daughters with deep tenderness, and with a message about the bond that continues.

What does the Gosho say about losing a parent?

Nichiren Daishonin wrote to a daughter on the hundredth day after her father's death: "When your beloved deceased father hears the sound of your voice chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, he will delight in his Buddhahood" (WND-1, 1066). The bond between parent and child does not end with death. He also shared the grief of Toki Jonin, who, though "grieved at his mother's death," was grateful that she had "passed away peacefully" (WND-1, 656). Sorrow and gratitude can live together.

Your voice reaches them

A woman follower known as the lady of Utsubusa travelled a long way to receive the Daishonin's teaching. Less than thirty days later, her father died. On the hundredth day after his death, she sent offerings for a memorial and told the Daishonin she had been chanting for him. He wrote back:

> "And so, in the same way that, when King Rinda hears the sound of the horses, his complexion brightens and his strength increases, when your beloved deceased father hears the sound of your voice chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, he will delight in his Buddhahood." > — White Horses and White Swans, WND-1, 1066

Your voice, chanting, reaching your parent. In Nichiren Buddhism, death doesn't end the relationship. Your prayers continue to nourish the bond between you.

Many people find comfort in chanting for a parent who has died, not out of duty, but as a way to keep talking to them.

Grief and gratitude together

When Toki Jonin's elderly mother died, he carried her ashes on the long journey to the Daishonin. Writing afterwards to Toki's wife, the Daishonin conveyed Toki's feelings:

> "Toki has told me that, while grieved at his mother's death, he was grateful that she passed away peacefully, and that you gave her such attentive care." > — The Bow and Arrow, WND-1, 656

Grief and gratitude, side by side. You don't have to choose one. You can miss your parent terribly and be grateful for everything they gave you, and for the people who cared for them.

One small step for tonight

Write a short letter to your parent: what you're grateful for, what you wish you'd said, what you want them to know about your life now. Keep it, or read it aloud as you chant.

Chant for your parent's happiness, wherever their life is now, and for your own heart to heal at its own pace.

Grief takes the time it takes. If, months from now, you're unable to function day to day, or feel hopeless, please talk to a doctor or grief counsellor.

Losing both parents within months

Within a single year, Manish lost his mother to COVID-19 and his father to cancer, and lost his long corporate career as well. When his mother died after eight difficult days, he chose to chant for her eternal peace instead of giving in to despair. When his father was diagnosed soon afterwards, Manish spent countless nights in the hospital chanting beside him, while his father, despite severe illness, chanted alongside his son. Through relentless chanting and encouraging others, Manish transformed unbearable suffering into deep inner strength and renewed hope for his family.

Frequently asked questions

How do I cope with the death of my parent?

Allow yourself to grieve fully, lean on people who care about you, and find ways to keep the bond alive, such as chanting for them. The Daishonin wrote that when you chant, your departed parent "will delight in his Buddhahood" (WND-1, 1066).

I feel guilty for things I didn't say or do. What can I do?

Guilt is a common part of grief. Write to your parent, chant for them, and live in a way that honours them. The bond continues, and so does your chance to express your love.

What should I chant for after a parent dies?

Chant for their happiness and Buddhahood, for your family's comfort, and for your own healing. Many people also chant with gratitude for everything their parent gave them.

How long will this grief last?

There's no timetable. Grief usually softens over time, but it may return on anniversaries and special days. See our article on grief that won't lift.

Which Gosho should I read after losing a parent?

White Horses and White Swans (WND-1, 1061–1068) and The Bow and Arrow (WND-1, 656–658).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- White Horses and White Swans, p. 1066 - The Bow and Arrow, p. 656