Has Your Child Died? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote to a Mother Who Lost Her Son

# Has Your Child Died? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote to a Mother Who Lost Her Son

> If your grief feels unbearable and you are having thoughts of not wanting to live, please contact a crisis helpline, your doctor or someone you trust right now. Bereaved parents deserve all the support in the world.

There are no words

Nothing prepares a parent for this. It goes against the order of things: children are meant to outlive their parents. Whether your child was a baby, a teenager or an adult, whether the death was sudden or came after a long illness, the world has broken in a way that can't be explained.

People may not know what to say. Some say the wrong things. Some say nothing at all. You may find yourself asking why, over and over, and finding no answer that helps.

This page will not try to explain your loss away. It simply shares what the Daishonin wrote to a mother in exactly your place, words that bereaved parents have held on to for more than seven hundred years.

What does the Gosho say about losing a child?

When the lay nun Ueno's sixteen-year-old son died, Nichiren Daishonin shared her grief openly: "The blossoms that once fell are about to bloom again… Why does the late Goro not return as well?" (WND-1, 1091). He did not hurry her pain. And he assured her that "it could never happen that a woman who chants Nam-myoho-renge-kyo would fail to be reunited with her beloved child" (WND-1, 1092).

The Daishonin grieved too

Nanjo Shichiro Goro was the lay nun Ueno's youngest son, born after his father's death. He was sixteen, admired by everyone, and he died suddenly. At the start of the following spring, the Daishonin wrote to his mother:

> "Your late son Goro comes inevitably to mind. The blossoms that once fell are about to bloom again, and the withered grasses have begun to sprout anew. Why does the late Goro not return as well?" > — The Gift of Clear Sake, WND-1, 1091

He didn't tell her to stop grieving. He grieved with her. He went on to imagine her thoughts: "Why? Why did this happen? It must be a dream, an illusion! I will wake up; I will wake up!" (WND-1, 1091–1092).

If you are asking "why," you are not alone, and you are not lacking in faith. The Daishonin himself asked it alongside a grieving mother.

You will meet again

Then, in the same letter, the Daishonin wrote:

> "This means that, even if one were to point at the earth and miss it, even if the sun and moon should fall to the ground, even if an age should come when the tides cease to ebb and flow, or even if flowers should not turn to fruit in summer, it could never happen that a woman who chants Nam-myoho-renge-kyo would fail to be reunited with her beloved child." > — The Gift of Clear Sake, WND-1, 1092

He used the strongest certainty he could find. Missing the earth when you point at it; the sun and moon falling: those things are more likely than a parent who chants failing to meet their child again.

The bond between you and your child was not ended by death. In Nichiren Buddhism, it continues.

One small step for today

There is no right way to grieve a child. For today, simply do what you need to get through the day, and let others help with everything else.

When you're able, say your child's name aloud as you chant, and talk to them. Many bereaved parents find this a way to keep the bond alive.

Please reach out for support: a bereavement counsellor, a support group for parents who have lost children, or your doctor. You do not have to carry this alone, and you deserve care for as long as you need it.

A father who kept going

Rajiv faced the unimaginable: his eldest daughter passed away peacefully in her sleep, and nine months later his eight-year-old son died in a similar way. The pain was beyond words. Searching for meaning, he read Letter from Sado again and again, and held on to guidance that steadfast faith at such moments leads to Buddhahood. Slowly, he resolved to summon "the heart of a lion king." Rather than withdrawing from life, he gave himself to supporting others. In the years that followed, his wife and younger daughter became active and strong, and his daughter graduated from one of India's top law schools.

Frequently asked questions

How can I go on after my child has died?

One day at a time, with as much support as you can gather. There is no timetable for this grief. The Daishonin grieved openly with a mother who had lost her son, and assured her she would be "reunited with her beloved child" (WND-1, 1092).

Why did this happen to my child?

There may never be an answer that satisfies. The Daishonin himself asked, "Why does the late Goro not return?" (WND-1, 1091). Asking "why" is not a lack of faith; it is love.

Will I see my child again?

The Daishonin wrote with the greatest certainty he could express that a parent who chants would never "fail to be reunited with her beloved child" (WND-1, 1092).

What should I chant for after losing a child?

Chant for your child's happiness, say their name, and chant for your own strength and for your family. On some days, simply chanting at all is enough.

Which Gosho should I read after losing a child?

The Gift of Clear Sake (WND-1, 1091–1093) and Reply to the Mother of Ueno (WND-1, 1072–1078).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- The Gift of Clear Sake, pp. 1091–1092