Heartbroken? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote to a Woman Left on Her Own

Title: Heartbroken? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote to a Woman Left on Her Own

When the person who was your future is gone

The relationship you thought would last has ended. Maybe they left. Maybe you discovered they had been unfaithful. Maybe you loved someone who simply didn't love you back.

The days feel strangely empty. Songs, places and a certain time of evening bring it all back. You check their profile even though you know you shouldn't. And underneath the sadness there's often a harder feeling: If they didn't choose me, what does that say about me?

If your heart is broken right now, please be gentle with yourself. The Daishonin wrote some extraordinary words to a woman who had been left to make her own way.

What does the Gosho say about heartbreak?

Nichiren Daishonin wrote to a woman long separated from her husband and raising her daughter alone: "Even if one were to meet a person who could cross the ocean carrying Mount Sumeru on his head, one could never find a woman like you" (WND-1, 325). Being left does not lessen your worth. And he wrote that "even the darkness becomes bright when a lantern is lit" (WND-1, 186).

"One could never find a woman like you"

The woman we know as Nichimyo had separated from her husband when she was young. Her story is not a breakup before marriage, but the pain of being left is the same. Their daughter's father, the Daishonin noted, "was not to be depended upon for her care." With her small daughter, Oto, she made the long and dangerous journey from Kamakura to visit the Daishonin in exile on Sado Island.

He was so moved that he wrote to her:

> "Think of it! Even if one were to meet a person who could cross the ocean carrying Mount Sumeru on his head, one could never find a woman like you. Even though one might find a person who could steam sand and make boiled rice of it, one could never meet a woman like you." > — Letter to the Sage Nichimyo, WND-1, 325

He gave her the name Sage Nichimyo, and called her "the foremost votary of the Lotus Sutra among the women of Japan" (WND-1, 325).

Notice what the Daishonin saw. Not a woman who had been left, but a woman of extraordinary courage and sincerity. The ending of her relationship was a fact of her life. It was never the measure of her.

The same is true for you, whatever your gender. The person who walked away did not take your worth with them.

A lantern in the dark

When Shijo Kingo's wife was anxious before the birth of their first child, the Daishonin reassured her:

> "Even the darkness becomes bright when a lantern is lit, and even muddy water becomes clear when the moon shines on it." > — Easy Delivery of a Fortune Child, WND-1, 186

Heartbreak can make everything feel dark and muddy: the past, the future, your own judgement. The Daishonin's image is gentle. You don't have to clear all the darkness by force. You only have to light a lantern. Chanting, a kind friend, one good day: each one is a light, and darkness does not resist light.

One small step for tonight

Write down three things about yourself that were true before this relationship and are still true now. Read them before you chant.

Then chant for your own healing first, and, when you are ready, for the other person's happiness too. That is not for their sake. It frees your heart from carrying them.

If the sadness isn't lifting after several weeks, or you are struggling to eat, sleep or function, please talk to someone you trust or a counsellor.

A breakup that became a turning point

As a teenager, Arjun measured his worth by praise and popularity. Then, in a single year, he went through a painful breakup, failed an academic year and was injured as an athlete. Those blows shook him deeply, and for the first time he began taking his Buddhist practice seriously. He persevered in his studies and graduated with first class. Over the following years he broke a long-standing university athletics record, completed his master's degree, and later launched his own clothing brand and fitness academy. Most importantly, he learned to find joy not in comparison, but in helping others win.

Frequently asked questions

How do I move on after a breakup?

Give yourself time to grieve, and don't measure your worth by the fact that it ended. The Daishonin told a woman separated from her husband that "one could never find a woman like you" (WND-1, 325). Light one lantern at a time.

What should I chant for after a breakup?

Chant first for your own healing and self-respect. Later, many members find it freeing to chant for the other person's happiness too. Chant also for the wisdom to see clearly what the relationship taught you.

Should I chant to get my ex back?

You can chant honestly about what you feel. But many members find it more powerful to chant for the best outcome for both people, and for their own happiness either way. If the relationship is meant to continue, that prayer will not stand in the way.

My partner cheated on me. How do I stop blaming myself?

Their choice was theirs. Being betrayed says something about their actions, not about your worth. Chant to free yourself from self-blame, and talk to someone you trust.

Which Gosho should I read after a heartbreak?

Letter to the Sage Nichimyo (WND-1, 321–327) and Easy Delivery of a Fortune Child (WND-1, 186–187).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- Letter to the Sage Nichimyo, p. 325 - Easy Delivery of a Fortune Child, p. 186 - Background on Nichimyo: Background section of Letter to the Sage Nichimyo