Still Hurting After All This Time? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About Grief That Returns

When grief doesn't follow the timetable

People expected you to be "over it" by now. Maybe you expected that too. And on many days, you are doing all right. Then a birthday comes, or the anniversary, or a festival, or a song on the radio, or the smell of their cooking, and it hits you as if it happened yesterday.

Maybe you feel guilty for still grieving, or for not grieving enough. Maybe you've stopped talking about them because others seem uncomfortable. Maybe you're afraid that if the pain fades, you'll lose them completely.

If grief is still with you months or years later, the Daishonin wrote to a mother exactly at that moment, when the first new year arrived without her son.

What does the Gosho say about grief that lasts?

Nichiren Daishonin understood that grief returns with the seasons. Writing to a mother at the first new year after her son's death, he said, "But without your having awakened, already one year has given way to the next. You do not know how long you will have to wait" (WND-1, 1092). He didn't tell her to move on. And to a grieving widow, he wrote that "winter always turns to spring" (WND-1, 536). Grief has seasons, and spring does return.

When the new year comes without them

Four months after her son Goro died, the lay nun Ueno sent the Daishonin New Year gifts and a cheerful message. He sensed that, beneath her good cheer, the new season was overshadowed by her grief. He wrote to her:

> "But without your having awakened, already one year has given way to the next. You do not know how long you will have to wait." > — The Gift of Clear Sake, WND-1, 1092

He saw through the brave face. He knew that the turning of the year, a time when everyone else celebrates, is often when grief returns most sharply. And he didn't rush her.

If anniversaries and festivals bring your grief flooding back, that isn't a setback. It's the shape grief takes. Many people find it helps to plan these days ahead: a quiet ritual, a visit, a time of chanting with their loved one's name.

Winter always turns to spring

To the widowed lay nun Myoichi, the Daishonin wrote one of his best-loved lines:

> "Those who believe in the Lotus Sutra are as if in winter, but winter always turns to spring. Never, from ancient times on, has anyone heard or seen of winter turning back to autumn." > — Winter Always Turns to Spring, WND-1, 536

Grief has its winters. They can last a long time, and return. But the Daishonin was certain that spring comes.

Spring in grief doesn't mean forgetting. It means the love you carry becomes something warm rather than only painful: a source of gratitude, purpose and connection, rather than only loss.

One small step for today

If an anniversary or special day is approaching, plan one small way to honour your loved one on that day, and tell someone close to you that it's coming, so you're not alone with it.

Chant for your loved one, and let yourself remember them with love, not only with pain.

If, a long time after your loss, grief still makes daily life very hard, or you feel persistently hopeless, numb or unable to function, please talk to a doctor or grief counsellor. Prolonged grief is recognised and treatable, and getting help doesn't mean letting go of your loved one.

Finding her way back after loss

When Shreya's mother died during the pandemic, Shreya was consumed by grief, self-doubt and loneliness, and withdrew from friends and from faith. For more than a year the darkness stayed. Then, in one of her darkest phases, she slowly returned to chanting, and sought guidance from seniors in faith. Studying Buddhism's teachings on life and death, she stopped asking "Why did my mother leave so early?" and began to see that her mother had already given her everything she needed. She graduated with a perfect record and went on to carry forward her mother's work in education. Her grief became the foundation of her mission.

Her story, and others like it, are below.

Frequently asked questions

Why do I still grieve after so long?

Because you loved them, and love doesn't have an expiry date. The Daishonin understood that grief returns with the seasons, writing to a mother "already one year has given way to the next" (WND-1, 1092).

Is it normal for grief to come back on anniversaries?

Yes. Anniversaries, birthdays and festivals often bring grief back sharply. Planning ahead for these days can help.

Will it ever get easier?

For most people, yes, gradually. Grief changes shape over time. The Daishonin wrote, "winter always turns to spring" (WND-1, 536).

What should I chant for when grief keeps returning?

Chant for your loved one, for your own heart to heal, and for your love for them to become a source of strength rather than only pain.

Which Gosho should I read when grief won't lift?

The Gift of Clear Sake (WND-1, 1091–1093) and Winter Always Turns to Spring (WND-1, 535–537).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- The Gift of Clear Sake, p. 1092 - Winter Always Turns to Spring, p. 536