Friends & Belonging: Gosho Guidance for Loneliness, Friendship and Finding Your People

We need people who know us. Not just family, not just colleagues, but friends who choose us and whom we choose. When that is missing, or when friendships break or fade, life can feel strangely empty, even when everything else seems fine.

Nichiren Daishonin knew this territory well. He was exiled to an island where he knew no one, and left it with friends for life. He wrote to a widow separated from everyone she loved. He warned a young follower about people who pretended friendship. And he pointed again and again to a bodhisattva who reached out with respect to every person he met.

> "What does Bodhisattva Never Disparaging's profound respect for people signify? The purpose of the appearance in this world of Shakyamuni Buddha, the lord of teachings, lies in his behavior as a human being." > — The Three Kinds of Treasure, WND-1, 852

Whatever you're going through with friendship and belonging, there is something in the Gosho for you.

What are you going through?

Loneliness · "I feel alone." No close friends, lonely even among people, or isolated later in life.

New Place · "I've moved and don't know anyone." A new city or country for work, study or marriage, and no friends there yet.

Fitting In · "I don't feel like I belong." Left out of the group, always on the outside, or made to feel different.

Making Friends · "I find it hard to reach out to people." Shy, unsure how to start, or always waiting for others to make the first move.

Betrayed by a Friend · "A friend I trusted hurt me." Gossip, broken confidences, or a friend who used you.

Falling Out · "I fell out with a close friend." An argument, pride on both sides, and a silence you'd like to end.

Drifting Apart · "I'm losing people I was close to." Old friends busy with marriage, children, work or new cities.

One-Sided Friendships · "I always give more than I get." Always the one who calls, helps and listens, and feeling taken for granted.

Every article follows the same path

Each one starts with what you're feeling, then shares a letter the Daishonin wrote to someone in a similar situation, with the passage and its page in The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin. It ends with one small step you can take tonight, and real experiences from members who walked the same road.

For struggles with family or a partner, see our Family and Marriage guidance.