Fell Out With a Close Friend? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About Lowering the Banner of Pride

When a friendship breaks over one argument

It started with something that seemed important at the time: money, a careless comment, a plan that went wrong, a disagreement that escalated. Words were said on both sides. Then came the silence.

Now weeks or months have passed. You miss them. Things remind you of them every day. But reaching out feels impossible. They should apologise first, shouldn't they? And what if you reach out and they reject you?

If you're stuck in that stand-off, the Daishonin's words are refreshingly direct about the two things that usually keep friends apart: pride and anger.

What does the Gosho say about falling out with a friend?

Nichiren Daishonin wrote, "Lower the banner of your arrogance, cast aside the staff of your anger" (WND-1, 58). Pride and resentment, not the original argument, are usually what keep a friendship broken. He also warned that if you "nurse an unreasonable grudge," even your prayers won't protect you (WND-1, 794). Letting go of a grudge is not weakness; it frees you.

Lower the banner, put down the staff

In one of his early letters, explaining how a person attains enlightenment, the Daishonin wrote:

> "Now, if you wish to attain Buddhahood, you have only to lower the banner of your arrogance, cast aside the staff of your anger, and devote yourself exclusively to the one vehicle of the Lotus Sutra." > — Questions and Answers about Embracing the Lotus Sutra, WND-1, 58

A banner is held up high so everyone can see it: "I'm right." A staff is something you hold ready to strike. In most falling-outs, both people are standing there holding a banner and a staff, waiting for the other to put theirs down first.

The Daishonin's advice is to be the one who lowers them first. Not because you were entirely wrong, but because your own freedom and the friendship matter more than being right.

A grudge blocks your own prayers

When Shijo Kingo was feeling bitter toward his lord, the Daishonin wrote him a warning:

> "The heavenly gods will surely protect one who is unbending before the eight winds. But if you nurse an unreasonable grudge against your lord, they will not protect you, not for all your prayers." > — The Eight Winds, WND-1, 794

He was writing about Kingo and his lord, but the principle applies to every relationship. A grudge doesn't only harm the other person. It closes something in your own life. Chanting while holding on tightly to resentment is like trying to fill a cup that's turned upside down.

Letting go of a grudge doesn't mean pretending the hurt didn't happen. It means deciding that you won't carry it any longer.

One small step for tonight

Write down your part in the falling-out, even if it's small. Then write what you value most about this friend.

Chant to lower your own banner and put down your own staff, and for your friend's happiness. Then, when you feel ready, send a short, sincere message: "I've been thinking about you. I miss our friendship. I'm sorry for my part in what happened."

You can't control how they respond. But you'll know you did your part, and that brings its own peace.

Your story could help someone else

We don't yet have a member experience about repairing a friendship after a falling-out. If you've reached out first and rebuilt a friendship, consider sharing your experience. Someone reading this page tonight might be holding their phone, wondering whether to send that message.

Related experiences about reconciliation are below.

Frequently asked questions

How do I fix a friendship after a big fight?

Be the first to lower your pride. The Daishonin urged, "Lower the banner of your arrogance, cast aside the staff of your anger" (WND-1, 58). A short, sincere message acknowledging your part often opens the door.

Should I apologise if they were more at fault?

You can apologise for your part without accepting blame for theirs. Owning your share often makes it easier for the other person to own theirs.

What if they don't respond?

Give it time. You've done your part. Keep chanting for their happiness, and leave the door open. Many friendships recover months or years later.

What should I chant for after falling out with a friend?

Chant to let go of anger and pride, for your friend's happiness, and for the wisdom to know when and how to reach out.

Which Gosho should I read after a falling-out?

Questions and Answers about Embracing the Lotus Sutra (WND-1, 55–67) and The Eight Winds (WND-1, 794–797).

Sources

All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):

- Questions and Answers about Embracing the Lotus Sutra, p. 58 - The Eight Winds, p. 794