Mixed Feelings About Someone's Death? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About Complicated Bonds
When grief doesn't look the way people expect
Everyone around you is sad, and you're not sure what you feel. Perhaps the person who died hurt you badly: a parent who was harsh or abusive, a sibling you hadn't spoken to in years, an ex-partner, someone who caused real harm.
You may feel relief, and then guilt for feeling relieved. Anger that they're gone before they ever apologised. Grief for the relationship you never had. Sorrow for the good moments mixed in with the bad. Or numbness, and confusion about why you can't simply mourn like everyone else.
If your feelings about someone's death are complicated, please know: there is nothing wrong with you. Complicated relationships lead to complicated grief.
What does the Gosho say about grieving a difficult relationship?
Nichiren Daishonin was honest that family bonds can wound as well as bless: "A sutra passage says that children are enemies… Another sutra passage says that children are a treasure" (WND-1, 1091). Relationships can be both. He also taught that one person's goodness can benefit even someone who did wrong: "even though the parents may be evildoers, if the child is good, the parents' offenses will be forgiven" (WND-1, 664). You don't have to pretend the hurt didn't happen, and you can still choose how you carry it.
Both enemy and treasure
Writing to the grieving mother of Ueno, the Daishonin reflected honestly on how family bonds can go:
> "A sutra passage says that children are enemies. Perhaps there is reason for this… Another sutra passage says that children are a treasure." > — The Gift of Clear Sake, WND-1, 1091
He was speaking of children and parents, and he gave examples on both sides: family members who harmed each other, and family members who saved each other.
Grief for a difficult person can hold both truths. They hurt you. They were also part of your life. You can grieve what was good, grieve what never was, and still be honest about the harm. None of these cancels out the others.
Your goodness can reach even them
To a mother worried about her late son, who had done wrong in his life, the Daishonin wrote:
> "In any event, even though the parents may be evildoers, if the child is good, the parents' offenses will be forgiven. On the other hand, although the child may be an evildoer, if the parents are good persons, their child's faults will be pardoned." > — Letter to Konichi-bo, WND-1, 664
This isn't an instruction to excuse what someone did to you. It's an observation about the power of one person's goodness. Some people find, in time, that chanting for someone who hurt them is the most freeing thing they can do: not for the other person's sake, but because it releases them from carrying the hurt.
There is no obligation to do this, and no timetable. Your healing comes first.
One small step for today
Write down every feeling you have about this death, including the ones you think you shouldn't have. Let them all sit on the page without judging them.
Chant for your own healing first. If and when you feel ready, you might also chant for the person who died, for their life to change wherever it is now. Only if it feels right.
Complicated grief can be especially hard to work through alone. A grief counsellor or therapist, especially one experienced with family trauma, can help a great deal.
Your story could help someone else
We don't yet have a member experience about grieving a difficult relationship. If you have found peace after the death of someone who hurt you, consider sharing your story, anonymously if you prefer. Others carrying the same mixed feelings may feel far less alone.
Related experiences about healing and family are below.
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to feel relieved that someone died?
No. Relief is a common and understandable response when a relationship caused pain. It can sit alongside sadness and guilt. All are valid.
Do I have to forgive the person who hurt me now that they're gone?
No. Forgiveness, if it comes, is for your own freedom, in your own time. The Daishonin taught that one person's goodness can benefit even someone who did wrong (WND-1, 664), but your healing comes first.
Why can't I grieve like everyone else?
Because your relationship with them was different. Complicated relationships lead to complicated grief. There's no right way to feel.
What should I chant for when my feelings are mixed?
Chant for your own healing and peace, for clarity about your feelings, and, when you're ready, for the person who died.
Which Gosho should I read when my grief is complicated?
The Gift of Clear Sake (WND-1, 1091–1093) and Letter to Konichi-bo (WND-1, 659–666).
Sources
All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):
- The Gift of Clear Sake, p. 1091 - Letter to Konichi-bo, p. 664