Grown Children Drifted Away? What Nichiren Daishonin Wrote About Children as Both Sorrow and Treasure
When the children you raised feel like strangers
You gave them everything: years of sacrifice, sleepless nights, savings, your own dreams set aside. Now they're grown, and the phone rarely rings. When it does, the conversation is short. Maybe they're dismissive, or impatient with you. Maybe they've made choices about work, relationships or how they live that worry you deeply, and every attempt to advise them pushes them further away.
The house is quiet. You wonder what you did wrong. You wonder whether they even think of you.
If this is your sorrow, the Daishonin spoke about it with surprising honesty, and with hope.
What does the Gosho say about grown children who hurt their parents?
Nichiren Daishonin acknowledged plainly that "there is a sutra passage that says that children are one's enemies," and gave examples of children who turned against their parents. But he went on: "There is also a sutra passage that says that children are a treasure" (WND-1, 1043–1044). He also taught that a parent's goodness and prayers reach their child: "although the child may be an evildoer, if the parents are good persons, their child's faults will be pardoned" (WND-1, 664).
Children are enemies, and children are treasures
Writing to the lay nun Sennichi, whose devoted son Tokuro had travelled far to honour his late father, the Daishonin did something unusual. Before praising her son, he admitted that children can cause great pain:
> "There is a sutra passage that says that children are one's enemies. 'People in this world commit many sins because of their children,' it states." > — The Treasure of a Filial Child, WND-1, 1043
He even listed stories of children who turned against their parents. Then he turned the coin over:
> "There is also a sutra passage that says that children are a treasure." > — The Treasure of a Filial Child, WND-1, 1044
Both are true. The same child who wounds you can become your greatest treasure, and often does, given time. If your grown child is distant or difficult right now, that is not the end of their story, or of yours together.
A parent's goodness reaches the child
To Konichi-bo, a mother grieving her son and anxious about the wrong things he had done in his life, the Daishonin wrote:
> "In any event, even though the parents may be evildoers, if the child is good, the parents' offenses will be forgiven. On the other hand, although the child may be an evildoer, if the parents are good persons, their child's faults will be pardoned." > — Letter to Konichi-bo, WND-1, 664
He was speaking about a son who had already died. But the principle he expresses is about all parents and children: their lives are deeply connected. Your prayers and your goodness do not stop at the edge of your own life. They reach your children wherever they are, whatever they are doing, even if they never know it.
You cannot control your adult children's choices. You can keep praying for them, and keep becoming the kind of person whose love they will one day recognise.
One small step for tonight
Send your grown child a short, warm message with no request, no advice and no complaint. Just: "Thinking of you. Hope your day was good."
Chant for their happiness, as specifically as you can: for their health, work and relationships. Then chant for your own fulfilment too, so your happiness doesn't depend on whether they call.
Your story could help someone else
We don't yet have a member experience that focuses on rebuilding a relationship with grown children. If you have found your way back to closeness with an adult son or daughter, consider sharing your experience. Many parents reading this page tonight need that hope.
Related experiences about family harmony are below.
Frequently asked questions
Why are my grown children so distant from me?
There are many possible reasons: busy lives, old hurts, different values, or simply a stage of life. The Daishonin acknowledged honestly that children can bring sorrow as well as joy (WND-1, 1043–1044). Distance now doesn't mean distance forever.
How do I reconnect with my adult children?
Keep contact warm and light, avoid unsolicited advice, show interest in their life as it is, and be patient. Respect for their independence often draws them closer.
What should I chant for when my adult child makes choices I disagree with?
Chant for their happiness and wisdom, not for them to do what you want. Trust that a parent's goodness reaches their child (WND-1, 664).
Is it my fault that my grown child is struggling?
No parent is perfect, and grown children make their own choices. Reflect honestly, apologise if something needs apologising for, and then focus on being a source of steady love rather than blame.
Which Gosho should I read when my grown children have drifted away?
The Treasure of a Filial Child (WND-1, 1041–1048) and Letter to Konichi-bo (WND-1, 659–666).
Sources
All passages are from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Volume I (WND-1):
- The Treasure of a Filial Child, pp. 1043–1044 - Letter to Konichi-bo, p. 664